Today was virtually good I could have self-control. I went out without hands free. I didn’t comment on the classes! Concrete TA, although I had questions (steel in slab, maximum steel ratio) but I wait till I asked them privately. Structural analysis TA, again although I wanted to ask about the assessment but I defied the desire. Also I could somehow forbear looking at the mirror. Also I could shift through delusion to reality several times. I admit that s.s is an intelligent man according his silence for chatterers!
I tasted the joy of wrecking the ego and having hope for God!
I hope my Lord helps me in surveillance of my ego and finally obliterate it.
I hope my lord helps me deciphering the code of unity.
God has again done me a favor; he has resolved my recent problem.it ended beautifully by K1 starting to post in telegram and I considered it as a good omen. I should be gracious and I am. It means I should be more earnest in the battle against my ego. I felt two things very rigorously: 1. Patience 2. Ego I don’t want to discuss in detail but I understood that I should be patient in problems and this can turn it to benefit. Also I understood that I shouldn’t feed my and others ego too! Because the devils are with each other as the God’s lions are!
You know sometimes I go to a ponder other people attitude toward their circumstance and world.
I think some people are naturally happy for example eh.b, IT students, Dr.shat, Dr.naz,… whereas I think I’m not! One of the main reason can be biology because my father and mother are not such happy!
A probable reason of happiness can be freedom but all of them are free? Are they really happy or they just having the face?
Anyway I shouldn’t lose myself and must accept myself as what I am and what I want to be really, not fake. I don’t mean closing the eyes to world but anything which is perceived should be internalized first and I should see it with my eye! I’m different from others.
I’m not myself! I have many chains. Every thought are my enemy! Can’t I let everything away for a while?! Whole idea of freedom,happiness,paradox,love,.. cannot be dumped for a while? Am I right in following my thoughts? Isn’t it real freedom to let them away?
I should confess that I went to this sensation by hearing about my old classmates, maybe it recalled me my thought’s vanity.
Another point that should be mentioned is that I’m totally capable of changing mood!
It is very stupid to put yourself in others point of view, it has happened for myself that after passing a stage and seeing from vantage point my idea was totally different from when I wasn’t in that point.
What’s the benefit of regret? If there is any benefit it is not the way I think! It is more practical and it’s not something to be said in words!
I feel better now, thank God. I just found the difference between the two familiar words alluding sorrow. The first word is “Gham” and the second is “Andooooh” as in pronunciations, you should understand the difference! (العاقل یکفیه الاشاره)
It’s very interesting for me that sorrow strengthens my back; it happened both in my mental collapse in case of Amir’s attack and today after dispute! maybe it's because of unloading:)
This makes me to think that maybe a sort of sorrow should be with me forever!
It is not the purpose but it works for cleaning.
From recent events: 1.M.G 2.family dispute
I concluded that I should pray and also it will have practical benefits on my profane life at least! I don’t reckon on other virtues that probably exist.
One major problem is this: Is it hypocrisy? Am I phony? (Absolutely! Because I want to call the GodJ )
One thing that is indisputable is that I have to be rogue otherwise it will get worse and I should see the other side! Everything is not rosy there! There is hypocrisy there, there is filth there, and there is trap there!
Let’s see what will happen if I start praying at uni:
1. I will be on a high horse!
2. Mokhlesses will come for me!
3. Anyway I’m not a full Muslim and praying is an incarnation for it and may cause others to think more about what I am. And it’s clear that I have the faculty of vanity.
4. There would be political impression over it.
5. It will show me holy and pure whereas I’m dirty!
OK, as I mentioned I have to be rogue! I will start praying experimentally and discretely and if God helps discreetly tooJ . If Lord wanted it I will continue!
“Anyway he is predator and I’m prey and preys must prayJ”
I’m afraid of not crying! With all this faults and filths it’s impossible to laugh! I really should take it serious!
The fucking ego is alive and I mustn’t let him assemble his army!
I suddenly got angry! I have to calm down
Lord! help me!
You’ve helped before and I’m sure you will do it again! I’m weak but I want to do something in your way!
Resolve this please!
You are my only support!
جان تو شاه جهان، رحم نما چون شهان
It’s an awful situation! I’m trapped and imprisoned by myself or I don’t know…!
I really don’t know what to do. I’m baffled! I’m extremely fucked up.
I have those fucking damn imaginations again I’m lost!
How to escape?
Thoughts thoughts thoughts … what does it do? How to get to action? And most important what action? The action I seek!
How to overcome the hurdles that are hurtling?
Suddenly I saw an advertisement which had this quote: “For being mature just don’t go out of oven”. It was somehow wise! But what’s the connection to my latter issue? Anyway am I angry? It crazy but yes! Just a few minutes ago I wanted to hit the wall J ! So should I dwell in anger against my ego?
Also I should be aware of making up!
I will take it for granted and won’t contemplate it.
There is a cold relation between me and Hafez! Maybe because I’m fake! Or because he doesn’t want to take me from hole to well. Anyway he is rogue!
So the upshot is to be determinant and earnest in the battle!
"Our mortal sin is not lust is lost!”
God please help me!
I don’t want to break heart!
I should not have salute...Ah…f**k
I beg you handle this issue!!!
I’m completely weak and I confess, for sure, I will surrender if she makes come-on.
Lord! help me!!!!!
My reasons to prevent her marriage:
1. She is insecure (football)
2. She was with others!
3. She loves others! (That boy)
4. She is a lair (fluid)
5. She is cheater (Soil)
6. She doesn’t love me! If she did, she would have looked different to me after the soil exam
7. She has a revolving door of guys around herself
My lord help me!
I know I had a role in that!
I plead guilty.
And should learn from this that I must be aware of starting a relation! I should see all the sides!
What a world it is!
One day I looked for her attention and know I am ditching her!
Beyond the characteristic's filth, I have my own problems: military service, overseas, money, family...
It is absolutely hard for me! And I want my lord to help me
All these discomposure!? are because of that sin, lust! And lost!
1. Today by Mohammadreza Lotfi and yesterday by the elevator again I heard of union!
2. What is the role of it in my project?
3. Can it practically help?
4. Recently some sort of sound was uttering inside me the Alpacino’s Oscar speech: ‘We are all from a place … ’
5. What’s the role of lost issue?
6. Mohammadreza Lotfi mentioned the moment
7. Mohammadreza Lotfi also mentioned spring-cleaning he said if you love sth you’ll clean it!