I’m writing after a lot of time. My main goal now is to get rid of hallucinations which I mainly interpret as some sort of repetitive imagination I have where in them I imagine myself in front of M.M and mainly I talk to M.S. I know the domain is may be bigger, but I can only touch this for now. In the case of substantial motion, there is an illusion (not hallucination) and I think reaching another dimension will clarify that issue. One thing that usually comes with hallucination (or dream) is the notion of “self”. I don’t know whether it is positive or negative. But from experience, I think it is positive. It can be both positive or negative if we assume two selves. The latter has been said by K1 too. Other things connected to hallucinations are “blindness” and “hijab”. To put all these puzzle pieces in the right position is my current project now. Besides, I know a fact that is connected to my psychological trap (page 151 of the book) that a piece of this puzzle is “my mothers will”. I guess these hallucinations which are mainly focusing on girls’ favourites may have been rooted in the fact that I lack to attract a “girl will” probably because of what my mom had done to me. From Hans Christian Anderson, I can say that the hijab is an illusion and being blind is good in this case. Babataher criticises sight for that it has caused his heart to be in prison. Incidentally, Babataher is nude! To enter the “self” piece, I can say in hallucinations I usually try to persuade others and try to attract them which is against my being myself. I value other’s opinion about me in hallucinations which will destroy my independence. Can the simple motto be yourself! solve the problem?
The ultimate goal is clear: Getting rid of hallucinations. But how to do that? This has been a long-lasting problem. I think I should be aware of my childhood lack ness ( from mom perhaps) and try to be in peace with that. I don’t know what sort of memory is causing this trap for me, the only things I remember are that one time in childhood my mom has put pepper on my mouth and me being shameful in front of the TV. The very fact that on 3 December when I heard about Jeffry Young, my mom reproached me. Also, in childhood, she encouraged (I remembered Shakira and her kids- may be some relation! – refer to Tel.) us to buy her bracelet. All in all, hallucinations are preposterous! I organize everything and at the same time, I believe it!
