The intelligentsia are in doubt…
OK! Let’s
speak about these days! If the memory helps…
Many bad
things have happened:
1. After the
Nowrouz holidays I was proceeding(vs.
recede) well but after about a fortnight I started to recede,
gradually the thoughts started to take control of me, I let my daily writing
away, I repealed my idea of perceiving new stuff , I was deceived
by the desire of the acceptance from M.M, I came back to M.G ,… after that a
new thought came to me that revived me and that was the idea of ‘enjoy your enemies victory, that’s the
art of history’ , and consequently it opened my way through
Hafez’(?) sonnets, but I believe that I didn’t apply that approach well and
complete, almost it remained only as a thought and adversely damaged
my mind! Sometimes I felt contradiction between this method and the ‘freedom of
thought’ method and it helped to my fall more but immediately I made the synthesis:
Intricacy! I became happy again but it had no practical effect on me and remained only
as a thought.
2. I had flubs: A) The day of hydraulic third quiz and the
killing voice of laughter by… B) Going on dancing attendance for Behnia
and speaking positively about him for S.R and E.B C) Speaking out of mind in
front of Attarnejaz’s room. D) My lie to C.B…
3. Now what to do in
the summer, let’s think and consider about it before they think for me. First about
my training (?): it is obvious that C.B is not a good man! And I shouldn’t
push myself to find positive points in him. He doesn’t believe in Islam, he is inclined
to overseas, he is not patriot as S.M said and also he wants others courtesy!
Among these, I can’t comeback because the time has passed and also I don’t
want to take the course next summer, anyway I have to go through it. Another thing
that should be illuminated is that I want to work there or not? I have
no relish for that because of the latter reasons. But I should
see! If the offer was good and I could work there I would accept, but my initial
attitude is being there only for summer. I have to be respectful toward him
but with subtlety (this would happen if I go to my barricade and
attack from there). I have to evade working as much as I can. I won’t go
early at Saturday! I shouldn’t laugh at him. Also not looking at them. Not looking
his room as a wonder! Not trying to make points even if it came! I shouldn’t
take his permission.
4. I have to write more
and not be disappointed, I should watch new thing. Read poets. Do pre-studies. Hear
new music…these are preludes and my final goal is transition.
5. Suddenly I arrived
to that thinking is hard!