I’m perplexed by the mutability of the subjects , the important thing is to be naught and to achieve it we have to be proud of our enemy’s victory! It’s really amazing! It changes hard! Changing the brain language is good! But what to do with habits of past? I think we have to use them in our way and don’t necessarily oppose them! What enemy? Is there any enemy? Is it only our mind’s virus?
The intelligentsia are in doubt…
OK! Let’s speak about these days! If the memory helps…
Many bad things have happened:
1. After the Nowrouz holidays I was proceeding(vs. recede) well but after about a fortnight I started to recede, gradually the thoughts started to take control of me, I let my daily writing away, I repealed my idea of perceiving new stuff , I was deceived by the desire of the acceptance from M.M, I came back to M.G ,… after that a new thought came to me that revived me and that was the idea of ‘enjoy your enemies victory, that’s the art of history’ , and consequently it opened my way through Hafez’(?) sonnets, but I believe that I didn’t apply that approach well and complete, almost it remained only as a thought and adversely damaged my mind! Sometimes I felt contradiction between this method and the ‘freedom of thought’ method and it helped to my fall more but immediately I made the synthesis: Intricacy! I became happy again but it had no practical effect on me and remained only as a thought.
2. I had flubs: A) The day of hydraulic third quiz and the killing voice of laughter by… B) Going on dancing attendance for Behnia and speaking positively about him for S.R and E.B C) Speaking out of mind in front of Attarnejaz’s room. D) My lie to C.B…
3. Now what to do in the summer, let’s think and consider about it before they think for me. First about my training (?): it is obvious that C.B is not a good man! And I shouldn’t push myself to find positive points in him. He doesn’t believe in Islam, he is inclined to overseas, he is not patriot as S.M said and also he wants others courtesy! Among these, I can’t comeback because the time has passed and also I don’t want to take the course next summer, anyway I have to go through it. Another thing that should be illuminated is that I want to work there or not? I have no relish for that because of the latter reasons. But I should see! If the offer was good and I could work there I would accept, but my initial attitude is being there only for summer. I have to be respectful toward him but with subtlety (this would happen if I go to my barricade and attack from there). I have to evade working as much as I can. I won’t go early at Saturday! I shouldn’t laugh at him. Also not looking at them. Not looking his room as a wonder! Not trying to make points even if it came! I shouldn’t take his permission.
4. I have to write more and not be disappointed, I should watch new thing. Read poets. Do pre-studies. Hear new music…these are preludes and my final goal is transition.
5. Suddenly I arrived to that thinking is hard!
