inflection point

The 7th of khordad was the day of a huge impact!

یادم نمیرود!

هرچند که دل تنگ تر از تنگ بلورم

با کوه غمت سنگ تر از سنگ صبورم

اندوه من انبوه تر از دامن الوند

بشکوه تر از کوه دماوند ،غرورم

یک عمر پریشانی دل بسته به مویی ست

تنها سر مویی ز سر موی تو دورم

ای عشق به شوق تو گذر میکنم از خویش

تو قاف قرار من و من عین عبورم

بگذار به بالای بلند تو ببالم

از تیره ی نیلوفرم و تشنه نورم

13 تیر 96

زده ام فالی و ...

شب وصل است و طی شد نامه هجر
سلام فیه حتی مطلع الفجر


دلا در عاشقی ثابت قدم باش
که در این ره نباشد کار بی اجر


من از رندی نخواهم کرد توبه
ولو اذیتنی بالهجر و الحجر


بر آی ای صبح روشن دل خدا را
که بس تاریک میبینم شب هجر


دلم رفت و ندیدم روی دلدار 
فغان از این تطاول اه از این زجر


وفا خواهی جفاکش باش حافظ
فان الربح و الخسران فی التجر

Attack again (online writing)

Imaginations:

1.       I found myself imagining while I’m in the site (I think it’s related to that chaos) and listening to my friend, Omid and console him and cry with him while not realizing that they are there!

2.      I imagined M.S in the site is telling them about my love for Ahmad Azizi and says that I had cried for him when he passed.

3.      I imagined myself remaining silent while H.L speaks to me!

4.      I imagined that M.M had seen me in that Congress while laughing and exiting!  

Interpretations:

1.       It indicates that I need to be shown as a kind man to catch their attention! And it also compensates the very fact that in that chaos I was offensive!

2.      It indicates that I want to make a reason for my insisting on posting from that book while she didn’t liked it!

3.      Maybe I wanted to find a common point with her or show off and feign to be a smart man!

4.      This gives me that inattention joy and also with the company of that type of laughter that I have realized its beauty before it endears me to her.

Trivia:

1.       Last night I don’t know exactly why and how I went to hossein panahi again but it had a huge influence on me that I went out for walk at midnight! I cried last night till morning thinking about my childhood sufferings most! Maybe it remind me of past!

2.      Also Mehran Modiri telling Nasrollah Radesh about him being good hearted relived me from some strife related to me and my father!(for me my apology post and for my father …) , but I think I shouldn’t be happy of this!

Conclusion:

All I do is according to give pleasure to the ego! It would be good if I can control it even if I not able to slay it. Perhaps the world would be absurd without that evil!

 

Let MM away?

                                                         

Let’s discuss about what to do with her!

First I should peer at my present deal with her! What’s my sense for her? If she wasn’t rank would I think about her again?? Is she beautiful?? Am I fallen in love?? Is it a true love?

It had been accidents that support the theory of true love!! Also we have looked at each other in a lovely way! And you know she started the deal!!

I can’t marry her because of many reasons (money, fertility, backstabbing to H.L, our family difference…)  

So it would be very bad to play with her emotions!

Also I have done something that indicated my love! If I give up it may damage (if she doesn’t hate me!) her!!

She had understood my feelings by her post!

Flipped!!

I can’t stop thinking about you!

Suddenly the Babazadeh issue remind of that filth in myself!!(that inheritance thought!)

I think in this dust I shouldn’t care about benefits! It’s really important to avoid costs!

Can it be possible that she swears at me and free me like the lady in gambler!

For now it’s better to focus on the project and later by the beginning of the term I will decide!

But how if it’s better to solve this and then go to project?

Imagine that she hated you from beginning! How preposterous it would be!

Help me lord

Your attentive Novice,

Amir,

RSVP

site 2

Now in the site I'm writing for catharsis, I was now disturbed and passive by Mehdi Madani's salute and after that ... I hope for Gods help! what should I do? I think I should remain confident! d  

Help me!

                                                      

I’m filled with stress now (I couldn’t eat)! I think another chaos is coming. I beg my lord to help me! I’m weak I’m very weak! If it happens to that chaos happen again I will be shattered!! It can fuck my recently gained faith!

Implicitly I tried to make this as pretext to my manner toward “them”, whispering that it won’t be fair to judge people and also imagining that in the site(the location were my reputation destroyed) I’m preaching this for them!

Today seeing M.M from window gave me joy because it was a showing off!!

I went to park and spoke to my father and I think it was useful! I wish the chaos has been disappeared.

This thought that apple doesn’t fall from tree makes me as I see my father’s filths very anxious!

There are some papers with my participating in the graduation:

First, my rank in Konkur was a shame and it hurts me, maybe if I had a better rank I would then be more comfortable with people! Second, I had issues with some people. Third, it’s about the beauty! Forth, unknown issues may arise (e.g. flubs).

عیب می جمله بگفتی هنرش نیز بگو:

1.      It can bring me happiness especially if it comes with success.

2.     I can learn a lot from this experience!

3.     I won’t regret in future about not having any memorial!

Should I really abstain from participating?

If I accept the drawbacks and prepare myself for facing them there will be 2 states: 1. I’ve made myself so strong that I can defeat the passivity, 2. I’m not prepared for that so passivity defeats me! But what happens? At most it has a pain that I’ll bear!

Conclusion:

It’s better to participate (if the initial condition was OK )! But just for the sake of satisfying the need and get some experience, it would be better not to overreact!

 

یا رب از ابر هدایت برسان بارانی ...

 

A short way (bypass) through the idea

 

                                                                        

I want my lord to guide me!

Today I log out of instagram!

I should be more earnest in my project…

Now I heard about Plato speaking of abstraction…

Monday:

I’m now watching graduate and I’m thinking it would help if I can chase the hiding thought(maybe) or anything else and act on it , I think it also maybe applicable to my project according to get rid of time and space!

The effect works with the same mechanism as music.

As I have found it useful to take the sense of reality into imagination maybe it will help if I manage to dominate the sense of being neutral while seeing the scene!

The mind shouldn’t be left out of the state sense that we desire!

It’s not really a matter of seeing! The thought that it will happen does its job! Without even see the scene!

I think I’m playing in my enemies ground!

Believe in actions of external abstaining! They help; they are like going toward an exit door in the room filled with smoke! It’s very preposterous to think in that kind of room how to fight against smoke! Because as long as you waste time on thinking about strategies to fight you will get closer to defeat!!

As an example of external abstaining I can mention not listening to music! It is more doable than try not to be impressed by Mrs. Robinson!

I should just do it (imagination project) without any pushing and wait for the moment! Because pushing produces thoughts that will themselves hinder!

An ill thought

 

·        I thought this thought (I really don’t know why today it happened!): my post for accident may have accidentally become true by the day of receiving DVDs.

·        This awaked the thought of M.M again…

·        I thought changing her profile picture was due to this!

·        I imagined myself in the site preaching about triviality! Maybe this thought gets stronger as I read the Sophie’s World and its mystifying style of writing!

·        It is surly a drawback but I hope to overcome it by writing!

·        That type of hearing music I think shows a problem

·        I think if you act against your better judgment as Socrates said it will affect your memory.

·        I want my Lord to keep me from ill thoughts!!

sleep more!

·        Being energetic helps to tamper with yourself better! As it happened last night after sleep!

·        But vice versa is true also! I mean by tampering with yourself you will become more energetic

·        I’m imagining the triviality issue as a drawback for M.M group!

·        I suddenly felt ill! Because of not enjoying the life! But I think I got it hard because I really enjoy nature… but the thing is that I want to show off in insta!!!

·        Where did these thoughts come from?

·        Can I slay the root? Or always there should be a precarious balance?

·        Asking questions from yourself always helps!

·        I’m now stress if he asks about my rank!! What a mess I showed off about the university and that was the result!!

·        I should really avoid swarm of people!

·        A good fact is that if I apply my rank would be less important! And won’t cause problem!

·        I found that I’m vulnerable in this issue and can’t neither  be with people like M.M nor S.F!!

·        If I can’t arrive to awareness and power I won’t be able to go through them specifically!

·        The music played by milad is good!

·        God please help me! I made a mistake!!